I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
