tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
