I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
