Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
