i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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