I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
