You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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