y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
