Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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