I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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