My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
