I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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