when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
