A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
