I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
