im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
