I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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