You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
