I'm jealous of your bromance
People in love make me want to vomit
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize