the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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