So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Randomize
