and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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