How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize