I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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