I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
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