i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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