they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
