I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
