sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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