Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
