I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
