Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
