Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
