Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
