Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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