Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
