he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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