I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
