Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize