Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
