Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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