why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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