Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
