The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
