My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
