Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Houston, we have a blender
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
