i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish I only lived at night.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
