My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
