We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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