I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
