Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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