Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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