I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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