I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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