I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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