My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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