Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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